Annunciation Greek Orthodox Church
Surviving the Seasons of Grief
Lately I have been thinking about grief. Partly, I think, because we have seen a lot of deaths in our community this past year, and partly because this month marks the tenth anniversary of my father’s passing. All of us end up grieving for people we love, and losing someone we love is one of the most difficult things we face in life. Do we know how to survive the loss of someone close to us? Do we know how to help someone who is grieving? Here are a few suggestions.
First of all, grief is a process. I particularly like the writings of Dr. J. William Worden. His major work, now in its fourth edition, Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, is the result of many years of research and clinical practice. Most of us are familiar with the ground breaking work on grief by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler Ross (On Death and Dying, 1969) where she outlines stages in the grieving process. Grief is always disturbing, but the difficulty here is that this makes grief something that happens to us and over which we have little or no control. Worden builds on Ross’s scheme. He also divides grief into stages, but he refers to these as the “tasks of grief.” Here is a summary of Worden’s tasks: First, accept the reality of the loss. Many times the death of someone close to us, especially a spouse, or, God forbid, a child, is something we cannot easily come to terms with. “How could this have happened?” “He isn’t really dead!” Second, process the pain of the loss. Unfortunately, there is no easy way to get through the pain of loss, and it is good to “let it out.” Grieving people weep, feel sad, reminisce, feel conflicted and confused, and they often get depressed. Sometimes they have problems just doing the simple things in life. These disturbances are not unusual or strange. Because you are grieving and can’t deal with life like you did before the loss does not mean that you are going crazy! Part of grief is pain. Third, adjust to a world without the person. It is extremely difficult to go from being married to being single, from having that person in your life to a life without them. The survivor often has to deal with all the personal effects—the clothes, the house, the pictures, the unfinished business—all the reminders of that person. This is hard, and everyone does this differently. Some people want to tackle these things immediately; some cannot bring themselves to do it at all. Last, find a connection with the loved one while embarking on a new life. That person did exist, and he/she was an important part of my life. Now we have to remember them, and at the same time, we have to live our lives without them. We have to attend to the other people in our lives who need us and love us. I like his approach. It is practical; it points to a way through grief.
Second, although such approaches are generally helpful and apply in many cases, everyone is different. All of us grieve a little differently. What grievers really need from people around them is love, patience, and support. You may want mom to be OK, but you should avoid telling her how you want her to feel or how you think she is supposed to feel. She is most likely doing what she can. Be careful about giving “helpful advice.” And by the way, never tell a person who is grieving that you “know how they feel.” Chances are you really do not. What grievers need are good companions. They need people in their lives who persistently love them and maintain contact with them and help them do the emotional work that they need to do.
Third, the Church offers what we need to heal us. Our Faith is “therapeia.” It offers spiritual medicine to help heal our evil passions. It offers medicine to heal our deepest hurts. This begins with the foundational promises of God that death is not the last word. “We grieve,” the Apostle writes, “but not like those who have no hope.” (1 Thessalonians 4) There is no substitute for hope in Christ. He overcame sin and death, and He actually promises us a new body in a new heaven and earth. We have the hope that we will see that person again! Believing in Jesus makes endurable a lot of terrible things in this life. The Church offers the support and solidarity of a community. We need the contact and support of others when we grieve (even if we feel like avoiding them). What better community then the Church where others affirm our belief in God’s love and in the resurrection. Everything that we do and receive in the Church is enablement for life: Prayer, the Holy Eucharist, the Scriptures, especially the Psalms, Anointing, Confession, and on and on. Wise godly people, like Fr. Anthony Coniaris, an Orthodox Priest who suffered through the loss of his wife, have written excellent books on grieving (check out our bookstore). There are resources in our Church that make it possible to get through the pain and adjustment of grief and live a joyful, purposeful life. The Church’s message to us is: You can get through this! You can do this with God’s help! As the Apostle Paul writes: “I can all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)
If you are grieving, and you need some help, come in and talk to Fr. James or myself. We will listen to you, pray with you, and perhaps offer you a little direction. May God help us all in our seasons of grief.
Fr. Timothy